The 5 Best Frozen Pizzas Presented By Gratzfood

Despite what some people think, living at home isn’t the most glamorous lifestyle a 23 year old can live. Seriously, it’s not all tits and glitz. Did you know that 68.4% of all jerk off sessions are interrupted by a parent needing help with something (like switching the input on a fucking television set)? Or, did you know that 83% of all parent-son conversation is about the offspring’s lack of employment, lack of worth, or lack of realized potential? While these inherent detriments contribute to less than optimal living conditions (living in a disease infested shit hole with 19 other degenerates in the slums of New Brunswick was SO much better) there are some positives such as free (for you) food from a grocery store, tasty treats that you haven’t had in years because you were too busy stuffing your face with overpriced college town food from a place that either failed inspection or was a front for drug operations. This dark period in my life has re exposed me to some of life’s simplest pleasures, frozen pizza being one of them. Frozen pizza, while not having the freshest ingredients, or taste comparable to real pizza, has a certain charm to it that makes it acceptable and even desirable at certain points in one’s life. Nostalgia alone can make one yearn for a frozen brick that turns into edible goodness ofter only 12 minutes of sitting in a 425 degree oven. Without further adieu here are the 5 best frozen pizzas.

1.Tombstone

The holy mecca of frozen pizza. The real man’s choice for true processed bliss. This is the frozen pizza eaters go to when “balling out”. First, it’s the actual shape of a real pizza which is great for when you’re trying to hide the fact that you’re too poor or too lazy to go out and get real pizza. What makes Tombstone so dope? Well first, it doesn’t pretend to be some gourmet, fancy schmancy pizza that is comparable to delivery… it’s named after something you fucking see at cemeteries filled with dead bodies, totally badass. Second, it just tastes really good. Did you know that the sauce for these bad boys was the same sauce given to you for Lunchables pizza? That’s quality right there. The real amazing part about Tombstone is eating one as a kid for the first time, that magical realization that you can get great tasting pizza that even looks real whenever you want right from the comfort of your own home. The other plus for Tombstone was its sheer size compared to other frozen pizzas. Tombstones size, taste, and badassness make it an easy choice for the top overall spot.

2. Ellios

1 brick. 3 slices. Boom. Classic. This was the ultimate after school snack when you were alone just kicking it. Whether you were playing Starfox 64 or watching Hey Arnold!, this was the treat you needed after a long, grueling day of elementary school. If you were able to get the edges nice and crispy you were a made fucking man. Real recognize real and any real gangsta will tell you just how delicious a well made Ellios pizza was or is.

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3. Lunchables

Wait, Gratz this list says frozen pizza and Lunchables aren’t technically frozen so what gives? Well, simply put this is my fucking list and I’ll do whatever the fuck I want, plus this is pretty much the same thing as frozen right? Anyways, where to begin with good old lunchables? Lunchables were truly ahead of their time. Before the era of Ipads and smart watches Lunchables pioneered the now ever so pervasive culture of always being on the go. Want pizza for lunch and don’t have a whip or money (because you’re in like 4th fucking grade) or even a working oven? No fear, lunchables have you covered, simply brilliant. Having access to handcrafted pizza whenever you need is a real game changer for American youth. The most remarkable part about Lunchables isn’t the taste, or the size (obviously) however, it’s their ability to effectively teach youngsters how to responsibly ration their resources. There’s three pieces of dough and only one pack of sauce and one serving of cheese, which serves as an extremely valuable lesson of appropriate allocation. I’m 100% confident that students who were able to appropriately save and spend their income learned the fundamentals from eating Lunchables pizza. Sometimes you’d go crazy and load all the sauce and cheese on one crust making for one orgasmic pizza which leaves the other crusts empty and useless, or you might go light on the first two and find yourself with a big time reward as you indulge on your hearty third piece. Whatever the case may be, Lunchables are iconic not only as a processed pizza option, but a educational tool for young children too.

4. Pizza Bagels

The quintessential bro food. Some may argue that pizza bagels should be higher on the list but as you can see the competition is fierce. Pizza Bagels were for when you went over your boys house after school and played Madden ’07 non stop, running around with Mike Vick, the glory days. What pizza bagels have that few others can offer is their high level of crunchiness. Plus I’m from Cherry Hill so anytime a mother saw a combination of pizza and bagel it was undoubtedly going in the shopping cart.

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5. Hot Pockets

Hot Pockets are the lowest common denominator of frozen pizza and I fucking love it. Microwaved eats in just 2 minutes that you can buy in a bulk for like 27 cents a piece. Hot pockets are no question tasty but their false advertising really grinds my gears. They shouldn’t be called “hot” pockets, they should be called FUCKING BLISTERING, UNEATABLE UNLESS YOU WAIT A CONSIDERABLE AMOUNT OF TIME BUT WAITING IS THE HARDEST PART pockets. Seriously if you’re not careful with these puppies they will go ’04 Usher and burn your ass. While Lunchables teach you proper allocation of resources, Hot Pockets teach you one of the hardest things a person can learn, patience. “Just because your pizza is done in 2 minutes doesn’t mean it’s ready to eat”.- Gratz 2015

Pizza Flavored Wings From KFC & Pizza Hut Are a Real Thing That Exist

Yeah. Wait. My brain isn’t working. I literally can’t even right now I think I’m blacking out just from the thought of this. Let me gather myself……………..OK SO PIZZA HUT AND KFC MAKE PIZZA FUCKING FLAVORED BUFFALO WINGS. APPARENTLY THIS ACTUALLY EXISTS IN THE WORLD. ACCORDING TO BROBIBLE:

“Some insane mad scientist working in the labs at Yum! Brands — the company behind KFC, Pizza Hut, and Taco Bell — recently created a hybrid food from junk food heaven: Pizza-flavored buffalo wings. According to the find by Buzzfeed, it looks like they integrate mozzarella and cheddar, along with some light marinara infusion.

They’re being sold as “Napoli Crispy Pizza Chicken” in Hong Kong only, according to reports. No word on if release to the states is in the cards.”

If you’re anything like me you already chose overnight shipping for every book you could find on how to speak Japanese as well as started to look for a reasonable apartment to live in. I’d leave this great country for pizza flavored wings faster than you can say Konichiwa Fried Chicken Bitches. Cliff Huxtable drugged girls for sex and Jared from Subway maybe has a fetish for kiddie porn, I’m ready to make the trek. On some real shit, we NEED to make this a thing in America. We need everyone to bombard KFC and Pizza Hut on every platform possible demanding this jawn, right fucking now. I’m going to keep a close eye on which presidential candidates are willing to put in the work to bring this concoction to the states and do everything in my power to make sure they get elected to office. Except Chris Christie, he doesn’t fuck with legalizing pot and I can’t fathom eating this without at least 9 blunts beforehand. But yeah, these are apparently a real thing that exist in Japan, start doing your part to bring this magical creation to America and help restore the nobility that America desperately needs right now.

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You can check out the original article right here:

http://www.brobible.com/life/article/kfc-and-pizza-hut-pizza-flavored-chicken-wing/

Pizza Hut Aiming to Revolutionize Pizza

Have you seen yet? OK, here’s the deal: Pizza Hut is going to start having pizzas with hot dog stuffed crust. Allow me to elaborate, THE CRUST OF THE PIZZA IS LITERALLY MADE OUT HOT DOGS, LIKE PIGS IN A BLANKET. Apparently this has existed in the UK for years already, IDK why this is just now becoming a thing in America, but I’m down. There’s 28 dogs around the perimeter of the crust and will cost $11.99 for a one topping pie starting on June 18th. Last time I ate that many dogs was Bar Mitzvah season ’04-’05, when I was like a size 46 waist and weighed less than I do now. Stay tuned for an in depth review and total breakdown of Pizza Hut’s new masterpiece, right here on Gratzfeed.

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Mom Held Hostage By Psycho Boyfriend Escapes Using Pizza Hut App

Ok so here’s the deal: A Florida (typical) mom was allegedly being held at knife point by her boyfriend in her home while their three young kids were present. Being about as smart as a Florida person can be, she convinced her boyfriend to give her phone back so that she could order pizza for the kids thru the Pizza Hut app where she was able to write that she was being held hostage and needed help. I cannot make this shit up people. According to abc news:

“Treadway and Nickerson’s three, young children were also present during the incident, authorities said, noting that the incident was sparked by an argument the couple had.

Nickerson took away Treadway’s phone, police said, but she was eventually able to persuade him to let her order a pizza using her Pizza Hut app.

“She told him, ‘The kids are hungry. Let’s order a pizza. Let’s get them some food,'” Hays said, noting that’s when Treadway was able to sneak in a written message through the delivery.

Along with her order of a small, classic pepperoni pizza, she wrote: “Please help. Get 911 to me,” according to police. She also wrote: “911hostage help!””

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What a fucking JOKE. Some poor guy is sitting on his couch 6 bong rips deep watching Planet Earth waiting for his stuffed crust pizza and flavor sticks, meanwhile the systems all clogged up because of this nonsense. I can’t stand when my friends fight with their significant other in the first place… don’t care, don’t have the time, shoulda woulda coulda been crushing the Jswipe game with Gratz but no, seriously can’t even imagine how enraged I would be if it interfered with my fast food pizza consumption.

And also, lets yet again take a moment to point out what seems to be one of life’s overarching themes that women are never to be trusted. This poor guy, out of the goodness of his heart trusts this snake and gives her the phone so his kids can enjoy some nice, delicious Pizza Hut pizza. What does he get in return? A big fat mugshot for all the web to see and a shit ton of charges like aggravated assault, battery, kidnapping and obstruction of justice. Oh yeah and bail’s set at $45,000. Yes, I know he was holding her at knife point, and while Gratzfeed does absolutely 1000% not condone domestic violence, if she pulled this sneaky shit can you imagine what she must have done for him to go all Knife Party on her in the first place? She probably asked him to do some stupid shit with the kids like drop them off somewhere or something while the playoffs were on. Women, I don’t know if they’ll ever learn.

You can check out the original article right here: http://abcnews.go.com/US/woman-alerts-police-hostage-situation-pizza-hut-app/story?id=30841925&cid=fb_abcn_sf

P.S. peep the pic of the receipt and how it actually says “911hostage help!”, that parts just too classic.