You Have To Love This South Jersey Dude Who Went To Jail For Drunkenly Crashing His Golf Cart Trying To Run Over A Rooster

There are some savages in South Jersey. Trust me. I would know. But Daniel Jones has just set the bar pretty darn high with his antics in Key West, Florida (another severely messed up state). I’m not even going to summarize, instead I’m just going to copy and paste pretty much the entire original article because it’s just too funny as is.

“The 34-year-old South Jersey man spent a night in a Key West, Fla., jail last week after he drunkenly crashed a golf cart trying to run over a rooster, according to The Florida Keys newspaper.

The Cinnaminson resident was reportedly seen around 6 p.m. last Friday driving the cart erratically through the white-house-lined streets of Bahama Village in pursuit of the red-headed cockerel.

“He was adamant about trying to hit the rooster,” Key West resident Vincent Vurro, who saw the whole thing unfold, told the newspaper.

As Jones swerved toward the bird, the cart rolled over, throwing the driver and two passengers onto the street, the newspaper reported. A female passenger suffered chipped teeth and skinned knees.

The rooster, however, proceeded safely to the sidewalk.

Jones was taken into custody, and reportedly fell asleep in the police cruiser on the way to the local jail.

After repeatedly sticking his fingers and shirt in his mouth, the newspaper reported, Jones allegedly scored a blood-alcohol content of 0.25, which is more than three times the legal limit in Key West.

He was jailed on suspicion of driving under the influence, and was released on his own recognizance the next day.

Efforts to reach him Wednesday were unsuccessful.”

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Although this report is only a few paragraphs long, it feels like a Pulitzer Prize winning novel. So much to examine and break down. Where do I begin? “He was adamant about trying to hit the rooster”. First off, not sure if the driver would even know what adamant means. Second, you can’t not appreciate the drivers sheer tenacity and will. He was going to run over and splatter that rooster’s guts if it was the last thing he did. Except he didn’t. Also love the part about the two passengers flying out into the street too, with one of them chipping their teeth and messing up their knees. Wonder what they were thinking during that whole ordeal. Must have thought they were in a real life game of Crazy Taxi or Simpsons Road Rage (very underrated video game by the way). Were they in on this goose, er, rooster chase too? Then there’s the ultimate shot to the heart. The cold blooded sentence that really stings and shatters you. “The rooster, however, proceeded safely to the sidewalk.” Damn. I can just imagine that smug fucking rooster looking at these bozos from the sidewalk, sucking their souls with just his stare. Like Kevin McCallister grinning at The Wet Bandits immediately after ruining their lives. Was this the most cunning, elusive rooster ever or was this golf cart carrying the world’s saddest and most pathetic human beings on earth? I guess unless we get some video footage we may never know. I could go on and on with this one but I simply don’t have the mental capacity to dive even deeper. I guess not everyone from South Jersey was born a rocket scientist…

Mom Held Hostage By Psycho Boyfriend Escapes Using Pizza Hut App

Ok so here’s the deal: A Florida (typical) mom was allegedly being held at knife point by her boyfriend in her home while their three young kids were present. Being about as smart as a Florida person can be, she convinced her boyfriend to give her phone back so that she could order pizza for the kids thru the Pizza Hut app where she was able to write that she was being held hostage and needed help. I cannot make this shit up people. According to abc news:

“Treadway and Nickerson’s three, young children were also present during the incident, authorities said, noting that the incident was sparked by an argument the couple had.

Nickerson took away Treadway’s phone, police said, but she was eventually able to persuade him to let her order a pizza using her Pizza Hut app.

“She told him, ‘The kids are hungry. Let’s order a pizza. Let’s get them some food,'” Hays said, noting that’s when Treadway was able to sneak in a written message through the delivery.

Along with her order of a small, classic pepperoni pizza, she wrote: “Please help. Get 911 to me,” according to police. She also wrote: “911hostage help!””

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What a fucking JOKE. Some poor guy is sitting on his couch 6 bong rips deep watching Planet Earth waiting for his stuffed crust pizza and flavor sticks, meanwhile the systems all clogged up because of this nonsense. I can’t stand when my friends fight with their significant other in the first place… don’t care, don’t have the time, shoulda woulda coulda been crushing the Jswipe game with Gratz but no, seriously can’t even imagine how enraged I would be if it interfered with my fast food pizza consumption.

And also, lets yet again take a moment to point out what seems to be one of life’s overarching themes that women are never to be trusted. This poor guy, out of the goodness of his heart trusts this snake and gives her the phone so his kids can enjoy some nice, delicious Pizza Hut pizza. What does he get in return? A big fat mugshot for all the web to see and a shit ton of charges like aggravated assault, battery, kidnapping and obstruction of justice. Oh yeah and bail’s set at $45,000. Yes, I know he was holding her at knife point, and while Gratzfeed does absolutely 1000% not condone domestic violence, if she pulled this sneaky shit can you imagine what she must have done for him to go all Knife Party on her in the first place? She probably asked him to do some stupid shit with the kids like drop them off somewhere or something while the playoffs were on. Women, I don’t know if they’ll ever learn.

You can check out the original article right here: http://abcnews.go.com/US/woman-alerts-police-hostage-situation-pizza-hut-app/story?id=30841925&cid=fb_abcn_sf

P.S. peep the pic of the receipt and how it actually says “911hostage help!”, that parts just too classic.