Man Facing Charges After Locking Son In Horse Stable

A Louisiana father is facing cruelty charges after allegedly locking his son in a horse stable overnight.

“Local news outlets report that 71-year-old Douglas Oneal of Baker was arrested Monday. Detectives say he locked his 13-year-old son in the trailer Sunday night for almost 12 hours to punish him for being disrespectful to him and his girlfriend.

Detectives also found horse feces inside the metal trailer, along with a Bible and a makeshift bed made of saddles and a plastic bag that smelled of urine.

Oneal’s arrest report says he told deputies that whipping his son was no longer working, “so he had to do something else” to teach his son a lesson. It’s unclear if the man has an attorney.”

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Ah good old Baker, Louisiana. Never been but this sounds about right. Locked in a horse stable huh? That’s a new one. Don’t hate it though. That 13 year old bastard was immune to those whippings so naturally you have to take the next step. This is the modern day equivalent of counting to 10 after asking your kid nicely. Lock em in a horse stable filled with horse shit and a Bible and they’ll find their way in life. Wish my dad did that to me, now I’m just shit. Closest thing I got to a horse with my dad was shopping at the Polo outlets. For real this kids got to treat his old man with some spect’. Dude granted him life at 58 and whether it was a horrible accident or not the fact of the matter is he’s alive today because of it. Not sure if they know about Aretha Franklin out there but where I come from she’s a force to be reckoned with. I’m sad to say that while I genuinely want to wish a happy ending for this man and his son, I kind of want the kid to act up again. I’m just dying to know what this old man can think of next. I want to learn about a sick dimension of punishment my feeble mind can’t even begin to imagine. It’s like real life ‘Saw’ which had me hooked for at least two sequels. You know what they say, you can lead your son to a horse stable filled with shit but you can’t make him not be a complete piece of horse shit.

 

Rutgers Cans Unhealthy Takeout Options

It appears the days of greasy takeout are numbered at Rutgers University.

“In a makeover of its dining hall menus, Rutgers University plans to eliminate chicken nuggets, hash browns and other unhealthy foods from its takeout section and incorporate more nutritious options in the all-you-can-eat cafeterias.

By the end of the fall semester, Rutgers expects chicken wings will be baked instead of fried, hot sauce from the jar will be replaced with fresh spices, and processed meats will be traded for poached salmon or turkey roasted and smoked by university chefs, among other changes.

The food on the new menus will be more than just healthy, it will be “absolutely good,” said Ian Keith, the Rutgers chef leading the menu overhaul.

….

For Rutgers students, that means takeout chicken fingers will be replaced with grilled chicken, and hash browns will swapped out for Peruvian hash made from heirloom potatoes, spinach and roasted onions.

Instead of pork sausage, Rutgers will serve smoked chicken sausage with spinach on a whole grain English muffin. A new bagel bar will feature a vegetable cream cheese mixed at Rutgers and loaded with broccoli, squash and scallions.

Plant-based meal, such as tofu and broccoli stir fry, will become more prevalent.”

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Boiling. My blood is boiling. More bad press for good old Rutgers. You can’t take away chicken nuggets and fries from a school cafeteria, you just can’t. That’s like taking bread and milk out of a supermarket. Baked chicken wings, fine. But replacing hot sauce with “fresh spices”? I must be poorly educated (I went to Rutgers) because I’m almost 25 and never knew that hot sauce was some destructive condiment for morbid gluttons. Learn something new every day. I love when Rutgers tries to be all fancy. One of my favorite saying is as follows. You. Can’t. Shine. A. Turd. Might get that put on my headstone (that day might be here sooner than I think from all that hot sauce). Actually I had to look this up because I just don’t buy it. Here’s what I found:

“But let’s not ignore all the benefits of hot sauce because it really does do a lot of good for the body. Capsaicin, which is responsible for making chilis spicy, has been reported to decrease inflammation, relieve soreness and help fight prostate cancer.”

“Spicy peppers have amazing health benefits, but there’s a catch, of course. If spicy food is your thing, you could be eating your way to better health via your favorite condiment. A recent scientific study says hot sauce is good for you, especially if it’s paired with a little fat.”

Could be fake news but go ahead and ask me if I trust Google or Rutgers more. Damn. Tough one. I also love how the chef spearheading this says it will be “really good” Now I’m sold! Get this guy on Shark Tank with that pitch! Last time I trusted someone at Rutgers (an advisor) I ended up being a senior on the verge of not being able to graduate. The roasted turkey doesn’t sound too bad but the “chicken sausage with spinach on a whole grain English muffin” and the “vegetable cream cheese mixed at Rutgers and loaded with broccoli, squash and scallions” and “tofu and broccoli stir fry” is where I draw the line. This isn’t going to make students healthier. It’s going to leave them emaciated! There are two ways to curb hunger at Rutgers now. Drugs… and this new menu. At least it shouldn’t be too hard to fit into that formal dress now right? You want to make students healthier? How about renovating the College Ave Gym? Make it less of a sweaty shoebox and more of a, ya know, health and wellness facility? Or how about extending the hours? Maybe people want to get a lift or run in past 6pm on a Saturday before they get shitfaced? This news is tough to swallow both literally and figuratively but hey, at least you can wash it down with a coke product now =).

You can check out the full article right here:

http://www.nj.com/education/2017/03/rutgers_dining_hall_menu_chicken_nuggets_healthy_f.html

You Have To Love This South Jersey Dude Who Went To Jail For Drunkenly Crashing His Golf Cart Trying To Run Over A Rooster

There are some savages in South Jersey. Trust me. I would know. But Daniel Jones has just set the bar pretty darn high with his antics in Key West, Florida (another severely messed up state). I’m not even going to summarize, instead I’m just going to copy and paste pretty much the entire original article because it’s just too funny as is.

“The 34-year-old South Jersey man spent a night in a Key West, Fla., jail last week after he drunkenly crashed a golf cart trying to run over a rooster, according to The Florida Keys newspaper.

The Cinnaminson resident was reportedly seen around 6 p.m. last Friday driving the cart erratically through the white-house-lined streets of Bahama Village in pursuit of the red-headed cockerel.

“He was adamant about trying to hit the rooster,” Key West resident Vincent Vurro, who saw the whole thing unfold, told the newspaper.

As Jones swerved toward the bird, the cart rolled over, throwing the driver and two passengers onto the street, the newspaper reported. A female passenger suffered chipped teeth and skinned knees.

The rooster, however, proceeded safely to the sidewalk.

Jones was taken into custody, and reportedly fell asleep in the police cruiser on the way to the local jail.

After repeatedly sticking his fingers and shirt in his mouth, the newspaper reported, Jones allegedly scored a blood-alcohol content of 0.25, which is more than three times the legal limit in Key West.

He was jailed on suspicion of driving under the influence, and was released on his own recognizance the next day.

Efforts to reach him Wednesday were unsuccessful.”

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Although this report is only a few paragraphs long, it feels like a Pulitzer Prize winning novel. So much to examine and break down. Where do I begin? “He was adamant about trying to hit the rooster”. First off, not sure if the driver would even know what adamant means. Second, you can’t not appreciate the drivers sheer tenacity and will. He was going to run over and splatter that rooster’s guts if it was the last thing he did. Except he didn’t. Also love the part about the two passengers flying out into the street too, with one of them chipping their teeth and messing up their knees. Wonder what they were thinking during that whole ordeal. Must have thought they were in a real life game of Crazy Taxi or Simpsons Road Rage (very underrated video game by the way). Were they in on this goose, er, rooster chase too? Then there’s the ultimate shot to the heart. The cold blooded sentence that really stings and shatters you. “The rooster, however, proceeded safely to the sidewalk.” Damn. I can just imagine that smug fucking rooster looking at these bozos from the sidewalk, sucking their souls with just his stare. Like Kevin McCallister grinning at The Wet Bandits immediately after ruining their lives. Was this the most cunning, elusive rooster ever or was this golf cart carrying the world’s saddest and most pathetic human beings on earth? I guess unless we get some video footage we may never know. I could go on and on with this one but I simply don’t have the mental capacity to dive even deeper. I guess not everyone from South Jersey was born a rocket scientist…

Starburst Is Releasing All Pink Packs This April And America Is Officially Great Again

The protests have worked. The suffering is over. Change is coming. Temporary change, but still change and a step in the right direction. Starburst has announced they will be releasing all pink packs this April. That’s not all, they will also be releasing all pink BAGS too. LIKE BAGS, LIKE THE KIND THAT ARE DESIGNED TO SUPPLY A SMALL CHILD’S ENTIRE BIRTHDAY PARTIES WORTH OF GOODIE BAGS.

What great news on a Monday. I’ve already made my official Starburst power rankings known but in case you’re unfamiliar here they are once again:

  1. Pink
  2. Orange

The only problem with this is I have to figure out the legalities of my business plan. I want to horde as many packs and bags as I can and resell them on the black market to fellow addicts. The problem is I’m pretty sure pink Starburst are still classified as scheduled one narcotics. On a side note what a great idea releasing these in April. Not only is that my birthday month but the real appeal is that these will finally take all the attention away from those disgusting sugar coated chicks and ducks that everyone buys around Easter. Those things are a real travesty. Hopefully Starburst will come to their senses and keep all pink packs around for an extended time (forever and ever) but in the meantime everybody responsibly.

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This is not fake news.

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Rutgers Business School Rejects Kids From Career Fair For Wearing Blue Or Light Grey Suits

Rutgers. It was hard enough to get into a party on a Friday night back in my day. Now it’s apparently a struggle just to get through the door of a career fair.

“Several Rutgers Business School students were barred from entering their annual career fair last Friday at the Hyatt Regency in New Brunswick for dress code violations.

Rutgers Business School sophomore Tyler Farnsworth said he was unable to enter because he wore suede shoes, and that a majority of students prevented from entering were wearing blue shirts, blue suits or brown shoes. He estimates that about 40 students were turned away from the fair for dress code violations.

This year’s career fair dress code flyer tells male students to wear “clean, polished dark dress shoes,” but no sneakers or boots. Men should also wear black or dark gray professional suits. This flyer is linked on the school’s career fair web page.

Last year’s flyer also prohibits sneakers, but tells students only to wear “dress or hard bottom shoes,” as well as a “dark, conservative suit.”.

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Yep, that’s the exact reason i chose to forgo the business school. Boxers or bust and that has continued throughout my blogging career until even today. But this is such classic Rutgers it hurts. Rutgers always trying to put a shine on the turd they are and have been forever. Joining the Big Ten to look legit then being a punching bag losing games 78-0. Waiting until 2016 to be a coke campus instead of Pepsi. Denying their own students entry to further their careers based on how they dress. Don’t they understand their students are broke because they have to pay for books, rent and… like…tuition? Or parking tickets and booze but same difference. Nobody’s hopping on NJ Transit and going to Barney’s in the dead of winter so they can impress someone at a career fair. That comes after you land the ballin job. Plus half the time the people representing these companies at the career fairs are former Rutgers students themselves, just a couple years removed from walking the streets at night in booty shorts and jerseys or racially insensitive mixer costumes. Plus, it’s 2017. Everyone should have taken note of those nerds out in Silicon Valley who are changing the world in ripped jeans and a t-shirt. Here’s to needing 11:1 ratio and a black or dark grey professional suits.

You can check out the full article right here:

http://www.dailytargum.com/article/2017/02/rutgers-business-school-turns-students-away-from-career-fair-for-wearing-light-grey-blue-suits

There’s A Wawa Competitor Coming To South Jersey And I’m Not Gonna Lie I’m A Little Nervous

Where I come from there may not be a more iconic establishment in the food and service industry than Wawa. Whether you’re grabbing a sandwich on the way to the shore or you need a blue gatorade because you’re hungover trash, Wawa is as classic a staple in the Tri-state area as watching the Eagles lose on Sundays. I have recently been alerted by a friend that a Wawa competitor is coming to South Jersey soon which naturally made me do a little digging.

Initial reaction? This might test some people’s loyalty but let’s be honest nothing’s going to dethrone Wawa ’round these parts, although my father did stave off his Wawa coffee addiction and now prefers Starbucks so I guess anything’s possible. SO, Royal Farms is the new guy in town causing all this ruckus. Royal Farms? Doesn’t sound intimidating at all right? Then I read one sentence that completely changed my outlook on this place and now I’m nervous as all get out.

“Maryland-based Royal Farms, best known for its fried chicken, has started construction on its first New Jersey location, in Magnolia, Camden County.”

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If there’s one thing in this world that will test my allegiance to something it’s fried chicken. It’s like Kryptonite. If there’s a place where I can fill my tank, get cigs, a chaser and some fried chicken all at once than dammit that sounds like a haven for scummy scums like myself. I did some more digging and it basically sounds exactly like a Wawa with gas and made to order sandwiches so there really isn’t a lot separating it from old reliable. I may be a scum but a traitor is something I’m not, that’s why I’m calling for a complete boycott of Royal Farms from the get go. You can’t get addicted to their fried chicken if you never try it. It’s like my friends who keep kosher who never had bacon before, they might seem delusional to me but to them ignorance is bliss. Same deal here except I’m down to be the ignorant one, it’s the only option. Ballsy move coming in here and competing in 2017 all unprovoked. Let’s see if it pans out. I will do my part to make sure it doesn’t. Oh, and you may be thinking well this is only in South Jersey it doesn’t affect me. Wrong. If you don’t nip these things in the bud they gain momentum. They gain momentum and they spread. It’s like a disease. Wouldn’t be the first time something like that has happened in America.

You can check out the full article right here:

http://www.philly.com/philly/blogs/real-time/Wawa-is-about-to-get-some-serious-competition-in-South-Jersey.html

Asian Man Squashes Protest Like A Grape

Protests are all the rage now. With so many shitty things happening in the world (it’s a total disaster!) people want to get out there and have their voices heard. One group however decided to protest at the University Of Washington’s library only to get their shit rejected like a Dikembe Mutombo block. Check out the video below.

 

I get it, people have the right to protest and not be censored and all that fun stuff but the issue here is a three word-er that applies to pretty much every single other thing in life. Time. And. Place. Gotta love this dude just slinging his asian pecker around and shutting that shit down like he’s Jon Taffer. I mean as funny as that encounter was you seriously have to respect the way the guy handled his business. Didn’t cause a scene, didn’t get rattled, asserted himself and waited until they shut the fuck up and then bam, “This is library”. Listen, it’s really easy to take the easy way out here and since I love the easy way out that’s exactly what I’m going to do but you just don’t fuck with with an asian and their library time. Does interrupting a guido’s gym, tan, or laundry time seem like a good idea? How about interfering with a young jewish girl as she’s trying to pick a filter for her Instagram post at brunch with the betches? Would you tell a 35 year old married man to get off the couch during football Sunday? OK yeah probably because what the hell are they going to say to the only person who keeps them getting laid but that’s besides the point. Also, one final musing, why protest at a library? If there’s one glaring problem I noticed this election is that people are pretty damn uneducated and really don’t know what the fuck is going on (not saying I’m some genius, actually a moron myself). Where’s the one place you go to learn? Where’s the one place you can actually read books and literature and study in peace and quiet? Just saying!