Gratzfood Presents: 5 “Restaurants” You Probably Haven’t Been To In A Minute

I love food. Obviously, I mean if you read this blog you already know how the Gratzfeed brand is an advocate for pretty much all of the most harmful food and food companies in existence. So today I had Qdoba for lunch, solid as always but I eat it all the time because its right down the street from where I work. When it was time for dinner, I sat in my car for a solid 15-20 minutes contemplating just how I wanted to eat away my sorrows to cap off the day (finally decided on chicken bacon ranch quesdaillas from Chilis, AMAZINGG) and during my decision process I started to think about places I haven’t had in a while which started to bring back some memories. It’s kinda like South Park and the member berries (remember blockbuster?!) and I instantly started to think about some of the truly great establishments that are often overlooked or buried in the annals of history. Let’s take a few minutes to think back and show some appreciation for some of the all time greats, shall we?

  1. Friendly’s

Friendly’s still exist but its one of those places where it’s either not really accessible or you just don’t go to anymore because you realize that you’re not fucking 12. But Friendly’s is an iconic restaurant with solid food and if there was anyone as sick and pathetic who would join me I would go there in a heartbeat. It’s about more than than the banging melts and indulgent desserts, Friendly’s represents a better time in our lives. There was nothing like going to a middle school dance, grinding with a girl to some Usher, Lil Jon and Ludacris and then taking the postgame to Friendly’s. It got rowdy too, savages making paper airplanes out of their placemats and launching them across the place. It was pretty much a daycare for immature boys embarking on puberty. Times were simpler, if your parents gave you $20 for a movie and Friendly’s you were a made man for the night. Nowadays I need 20 bucks just to spend on a girls first two drinks so that she can stop talking to me after she drinks them. But seriously if anyone wants to take Gratz, rewind it back and hit up a Friendly’s soon let me know…

2. Fuddruckers

When you take a second to think about it, it’s sad how we now refer to going to Chipotle with the crew as a “power move”. That’s not a power move, going to fucking Fuddruckers was the ultimate badass power play one could make back in the day. The burgers were awesome, the fries were those thick steak fries that were packed fat with actual potato. They had the condiment bar where you got to go crazy and top off your burger anyway you want (doesn’t really sound sanitary but then again sanitary isn’t really a factor when you’re talking about badass power play moves) and they had video games…VIDEO GAMES. I don’t know if there was ever a more affordable heaven for a young American male than that. Honestly, whats better than ordering a burger, playing some Cruis’n USA and watching whatever game they had on with an ice cold soda in hand. That sounds awesome right? Now, anybody thats been to Fuddruckers knows I haven’t even got to the best part yet so let me just calm myself down because I’m getting all worked up just thinking about it. So for those unfamiliar, your order normally came with a plastic yellow chip that you exchanged at their bakery on the way out for a warm, delicious cookie. It’s hard to put into words just how amazing this was. You know how in the movies when there’s some high stakes card game a dude with slick hair and sunglasses just walks over and drops a fat wad of cash on the table? Think that except Fuddruckers was the one dropping dough (literally). No better feeling after crushing a meal than walking up to that counter like an absolute boss, pointing to what cookie you want, then flipping the chip at the server as they bagged it for you on your way out. Now, I just went on their website and saw that there are only two in New Jersey and four in Pennsylvania, all of which Im assuming to be in Bumblefuck. Rest in peace to a true American champion, Fuddruckers you are missed.

3. Checkers

Do you live or work in the hood? No? Then odds are there’s no Checkers close to you. Seriously, that’s just how it is. I mean think about it, how often have you drove past that brand new shopping center with the fro yo spot in it and saw a Checkers in sight? It just doesn’t happen and it’s a damn shame. Checkers is one of the most underrated fast food places around. They have great burgers and their fries are truly unrivaled. Mcdonalds and Burger King fries can’t compete and I’ll even take Checkers fries over Arby’s curly fries. Luckily, I went to Miami about a year and half ago and our view from the hotel was literally a walk up Checkers. Needless to say thats all we ate for 5 days so I got my fix in and haven’t had it since but for those less fortunate it remains and ambiguous fantasy that continues to evade them.

4. Bennigans

I’ve been to Bennigans a few times in my life and don’t even really remember it other than it was a pretty dingy place that served decent food and that’s good enough for this list. I don’t know why most Bennigans went extinct (there is one in Vineland, New Jersey but that would literally mean dining inside of the rectum of the state) but I remember them being as good as say an Applebee’s and probably better than Fridays. Ok I just checked they went bye bye because their parent company went bankrupt. Sucks but at least they get to live in infamy by making this list.

5. Charley’s

As someone who knows and appreciates an authentic Philly cheesesteak, it might come as a surprise to most of you to see Charley’s on this list. All things considered, they actually taste pretty damn good and you gotta love the combo with the fries and a drink. The thing is they are mostly (if not always?) in mall food courts meaning:

  1. Who really goes to the mall that much anymore?
  2. Even if you did go to the mall, and ate there, would you actually choose Charley’s?

I’m probably choosing Chick fil A if it’s available 99/100 times but that one time I choose to get Charley’s it always hits the spot.

Female, 21, Cancels Spring Break After Leaving Her Phone At Home

A newly 21 year old female has canceled her spring break plans after accidentally leaving her cell phone at home. Reports indicate that Sara Kleinfeld, New Jersey, was posting countdown selfies with her sorority sisters and forgot her phone in the foyer after kissing her dog Jake goodbye.

“I wanted to snap a picture of the highway with the caption “Miami we’re comin for ya (peace sign)”, and that’s when I noticed my phone was missing”, a visibly shaken up Sara said. When asked why she decided to forgo the trip entirely instead of going without her phone, she elaborated, “Alesso’s like my favorite DJ and without my phone, nobody would have even knew I went. My whole group of friends still had their phones so if my snaps weren’t the same as theirs people wouldn’t have thought I was there. I don’t know, it would have been weird.”

Her mother, Beth, 53, has offered her support in wake of the incident. “Oy, I felt so bad when I had to pick her up at the airport. She hasn’t eaten in the last four weeks so to cheer her up I made her favorite, gluten free chicken parm”.

Sara is reportedly in stable condition, binge watching Shameless and keeping up with her friends, face timing with them at the club, hotel, restaurants, etc. “I wouldn’t wish this upon my worst enemy but luckily my sisters have been so supportive the whole time, I’m literally crying thinking about how much I love and miss them”. Despite her friends posting “never leaving”, they will in fact be home in two days.

Gratzfood Presents: The Top Eight Fast Food Menu Items

We all know that fast food is a big part of the Gratzfeed lifestyle. Say what you will, but there’s no denying that there are moments in everyones life when you just need to shove a cheap, greasy tray of processed shit down your throat. It could be because you took 19 shots of tequila the previous night and need to replenish everything you vomited out of your body while you were aggressively making out with a toilet bowl. Or it could be because you’ve been trying to eat healthy for the summer and just need a cheat meal before you commit seppuku (literally sticking a samurai sword into your stomach and killing yourself). Either way, there have been some bold, interesting moves in terms of fast food menu items. Burger King now has friggen hot dogs (haven’t tried yet, on the list though, obv) and Taco Bell unleashed the quesalupa (tried, banging). It got me thinking, crazy shit comes and goes all the time but who are the real ride or dies in the game? Who are the day one homies in the posse? The one’s you can really count on in times of need? Here are the top fast food menu items:

  1. Chick Fil A Chicken Sandwich

Over, case closed, end of discussion. Not even Johnnie Cochran could rise from the dead to argue this. Personally, I opt for the spicy one but it doesn’t matter, the chicken sandwich from chick fil a is the best the food of fast industry has to offer. Juicy, butter on the roll, topped wit chick fil a sauce, c’mon now. Gratzfeed’s affinity for Chick Fil A doesn’t exactly need reiteration, but for a list as definitive as this one it has to be firmly established that this is the cream of the crop, the MVP, the Hall of Famer. Got it? Good.

2. Big Mac- Mcdonald’s

It’s just too classic. It has it’s own jingle. When you have a hankering for fast food, this is what’s on your mind… a messy, tasty, caloric nightmare of a sandwich. Everyone knows carbs are the best thing in the world so Mcdonalds hooks it up and gives you the extra layer of bread that is the most necessary non-necessary thing ever. They just look great too, makes you want to bite into the nearest thing available whether that be actual food or your  arm flesh. Big Mac’s are best enjoyed in moderation. Don’t get me wrong I have no problem eating them on the reg but they are at their peak when you haven’t had one in a long time and are scratching your stomachs longstanding itch for some gluttonous goodness.

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3. The Whopper- Burger King

I definitely think the case for Burger King having better burgers than McDonalds can be made, but you have to give the edge to the golden arches for a list like this. Despite only having TWO pieces of bread and one patty, the whopper still is a legend in its own right. The flame broiled taste or whatever you want to call it actually makes my mouth water just thinking about it. Burger King sometimes gets a bad rap for being well, Burger King. BUT, that shouldn’t take away from the fact that their signature menu item is a longstanding powerhouse that never fails to hit whatever spot your sad life needs hitting.

4. Crunchwrap Supreme- Taco Bell

Of course the Big Mac and Whopper were going to be on this list, that was the easy part. This is where there’s room for some actual debate. Simply put, the crunch wrap supreme is genius. Everyone loves tortillas, and everyone loves crunchy, so Taco Bell gives you the best of both worlds with this original concoction. Taco Bell meat might not actually be meat, and eating one of these could lead to a supreme butt hole disaster, but I’ll be damned if anybody tries to deny the instant gratification from housing one of these bad boys drenched in some fire sauce. When you’re a hungover joke thinking is like such a hassle. Can’t decide between a burrito or tacos? Crunchwrap Supreme it is, and you’re welcome.

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5. Chicken McNuggets- McDonald’s

Pink Slime, fried, high in fat, all the reason to take 20 of these bad boys to the face and cancel whatever remaining plans you had for the day/night. These taste so damn good, and they’re quite a spectacle to look at. Seriously, I love the shapes of these things. I just stare at them and think about what shape I want to eat next/ how much my life is in shambles. Some people appreciate pairing a glass of wine with cheese. I appreciate pairing a circular processed nugget with a side of sweet and sour sauce (ranch and tangy barbecue are also acceptable). I feel like I don’t have to explain the magic that is a Mcdonald’s nugget, anyone that tells you they don’t like them is a bonafide liar and can’t be trusted. If I’m in trouble and I need to call some people to lean on you can bet your bottom McNuggets are on speed dial.

6. Mashed Potatoes- KFC

I know, they aren’t “real” potatoes. Fuck you. Get off your high horse and just enjoy a delectable side of these drenched in gravy with a plastic spork. I love to break the chicken up and put them into the potatoes and make my own little bowls. Ok I’m getting hard so I’m going to move on.

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7. Curly Fries- Arby’s

Sticking with potatoes let’s talk about Arby’s fries. They are curly. They are amazing. I don’t really go to Arby’s all that much because I’m never like “hey, you know what I could go for right now? A nice roast beef sandwich from Arby’s.” But when i do make the trip, the fries are a must. It’s a shame more places don’t follow suit and go curly but kudos to Arby’s for doing their damn thing and killing the fry game.

8. Crispy Chicken Sandwich- Wendy’s

This is the best value menu item period. A dollar, and the chicken for the most part is actually white. There are times in life where you, for whatever sad and pathetic reason(s) just need to go ham on the dollar menu and save some cash. This Wendy’s staple makes those life situations that less painful (still pretty painful though).

All Underrated Team

Chicken Strips- KFC

Sure KFC is known for their fried chicken but I prefer their boneless chicken strips. Easier to dip in sauce, more meat, no bones to choke on, definitely the play.

Loaded Grillers/ Chicken Quesadilla- Taco Bell

Loaded Grillers were introduced as a $.99 cent item on Taco Bell’s menu but they eventually made their way onto the permanent big league roster(although at a slightly higher cost). They are delightful, basically little tacos but instead rolled up in a tortilla. They have a chipotle chicken ranch one which is a go-to and the beefy nacho one has the crispy red chips in it to give it that extra oomph. Also, do you know anyone who gets a quesadilla from Taco Bell? Well, they are one of the best kept secrets around. Not particularly big or filling just really, really tasty.

Well, hope you enjoyed and maybe learned a valuable thing or two. Oh, and until In-N-Out puts on their big boy pants and comes to the east coast, they’ll never make the list. Good day!

Gratzfood Presents: The Top 5 Cheesesteaks

I’ve been wanting to make this list for a while and I mean a while. Definitely a list I thought about making before Gratzfeed was even the premier online blog it is today. Growing up I spent a lot of time with my single dad which led to, lets just say…”ill advised” food trips (if you’re looking at it from a health standpoint). However, if you’re looking at it from a purely pleasurable/magical/sensational standpoint than these food excursions were anything but ill advised but rather well advised, extremely. Living in South Jersey and with my dad being from Philly, cheesesteaks became an instant go-to for us, going late night, before games, after games and just going to the city simply for the sake of eating a good fucking cheesesteak. With that said I’ve had enough cheesesteaks in my life to kill Andy Reid, one for every Sixers loss, one for every dollar in Ryan Howard’s contract (OK maybe not that many but you get the point). Simply put, I’ve tried a good chunk of em and while it may not be something to brag about, at all, it does make me qualified in a world where  my resume comes up short just about everywhere else. Here are the top 5 cheesesteaks

5. Tony Lukes- Anyone worth their weight in cheese whiz will tell you that the key to a good sandwich is the bread. Tony Lukes uses Liscio’s rolls which are pretty damn hard to beat. Put a generous helping of rib eye steak on those bad boys and you’re in business. Tony Lukes is a staple, it’s close to the sports complex and even in the stadiums themselves. To be fair though not all Tony Lukes are created equally, since it’s rise in popularity they’ve expanded at a rapid pace across the tristate area and while those sandwiches are serviceable, they can be underwhelming in size and overwhelming in price so make sure you go to the original on Oregon avenue if you want the true experience.

4. Steve’s Prince Of Steaks- Steve’s has everything you want in a cheesesteak: great tasting meat, lots of cheese, a solid roll, and late hours. If you’re looking for the quintessential Philly cheesesteak vibe then this is your place. Neon signage illuminates the divey atmosphere and nothing screams cheesesteak more than going up to a counter (ripe with every topping you could possibly want) and ordering one. Also, can’t stress the importance of the late hours. Eating a late night steak (sober or not) can be likened to a religious experience. Actually scratch religion, it’s more like marriage, seems like a great idea at the time but then you wake up questioning why you made this life choice that will haunt you forever. Not to scare you though, Steve’s is worth any gym session, guilt trip or self loathing you may endure.

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3. Leo’s Steak Shop

The hidden gem. Another dive, the Folcroft, PA spot has virtually no indoor seating and only a handful of weathered benches outside. Here’s the deal with Leo’s, their steaks are HUGE. Unlike the two aforementioned  places Leo’s chops their meat up real fine and piles it high on the roll. These suckers are juicy and tasty, with just the right amount of delicious cheese. This is definitely the least known entry on the list and with small wait times, I’m not exactly complaining about it. This tiny shop packs a heavyweight punch that can go toe to toe in the ring with just about anywhere else in Philly.

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2. Joe’s Steaks + Soda Shop

Since 1949 Joe’s was known as “Chink’s” but with everything having to be all politically correct and shit nowadays they changed the name to Joe’s in 2013. Well, being perfectly honest this place could be called Horseshit Steaks and Slop and I’d still eat it because these are some of the best tasting creations the city (or anywhere else in the world) has to offer. For real, the quality of the meat is probably the best of anywhere in the city. Joe’s slices their meat down from a ribeye roll and pairs it with a great roll to make for a truly heavenly match. They also have real, authentic milkshakes which is just what you want to pair with a cheesesteak to show that you really give zero fucks in life. The original on Torresdale Avenue has the old school vibe going too, a big grill right in front of the window piled high with meat, a long counter, some tables, old jukeboxes that I don’t think work, this place has it all. There’s a reason this place has been in business since 1949, can give up it’s name, and still be one of the most popular places. One bite of these and you’ll understand exactly why.

  1. Dalessandro’s

This is the best cheesesteak. The best Philadelphia, or any other place in the world has to offer, hands down. I usually try to not sound so definitive on something opinion based but I’m pretty confident this is fact, science if you will. Navigating this corner shop (which is a total dive, albeit clean), can be likened to a crowded fraternity basement, rubbing elbows with the locals and a lot of “excuse me, excuse me”. Seating is at a premium with really one long “L” shaped counter (they have some tables to the side but the people waiting for takeout essentially take that option away). There are a few tables outside too, but as I write this in December, weather can obviously be a factor. So what makes these the best? It’s really just the perfect combination: the meats amazing, great bread and just the right amount of cheese. The portions are also generous, to say the least. OK, I’ll put it to you this way, they literally stick a fork in it because it’s so packed with meat that you can basically have a second meal just from what falls off the bread. I also like to call this a “cleaner” sandwich in that it’s not overly greasy and the breads never soggy. If you’re looking for the best cheesesteak in Philly, this is your place, without question.

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Takeout Titleholder: Cosmi’s Deli

This place is a little deli in with virtually no seating, so takeout is the move here. Packed with flavor and located in South Philly, this makes for a great pit stop on the way to a game.

All Underrated Team:

Campo’s Deli- Campos just has a delicious cheesesteak, plain and simple. Probably the first honorable mention of the top five. They have locations on Market Street and at the sports complex (and Liacouras Center). Not the biggest sandwiches in Philly but the high quality and taste alone cement it’s top ten standing in a competitive circuit.

Ishkabibble’s

While Jim’s on South Street is an undeniable powerhouse, Ishkabibble’s is more than a worthy alternative if you want to avoid absurd wait times and still get a delicious steak. Ishkabibble’s also has some of the best fries around so you can have the ultimate combination of indulgence.

Chickie’s And Pete’s

Sure you know about their out of this world crab fries but their cheesesteaks are also a standout on their big time menu. Great meat and they top it off with their crack injected (i think that’s the secret ingredient?) cheese sauce. True gluttons (like myself) can even dunk their sandwich into their cheese cup sauce from the fries, now that’s a pro tip right there.

Lack Of Processed Meats Linked To Mental Health Illness, Study Suggests

A recent study conducted by Gratzfeed scientists revealed that an absence of processed and red meat may be linked to mental health illness. The study suggested that low levels of processed and red meat consumption can be a prime cause of irritableness, depression, anxiety and overall being a shitty, miserable person.

Scientists found that those who didn’t consume processed and red meats had lower dopamine levels than those who did, a major contributor of mental illness.

Tyler Collins, 21 year old junior at Arizona State University wasn’t shocked by the findings. “I think it definitely makes sense dude. Last night we had a social with Zeta and just got obliterated off this handle of $13 tequila I split with my boy Blake. I woke up in the bushes outside of the house and just felt like complete death bro. I made some pledge drive me and Blake to McDonalds and after two sausage McGriddles my hangover felt like way better. I don’t know what I would have done without those things man, I could have lost my mind and done something drastic to myself. Those little things saved my life”.

Collins isn’t the only one who not surprised by the findings. 29 year old Shayna Goldfarb, active JDate-r and owner of six cats says she’s been using processed and red meats as an anxiety remedy for years. “With work being so stressful, I need a little something to take the edge off. I’ve never been one for drugs and alcohol and with the gym being so far from my apartment I started a little weekend tradition of treating myself to a pepperoni pizza from Papa Johns. I just really feel like a better person with it in my life. I even give my little Ollie a piece or two of pepperoni since he’s the best behaved of the bunch! hehe =)”

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Researchers even went as far to say that low levels of these meats could be as harmful as not having a cigarette when drunk or not taking adderall before studying. Experts are pushing for increased processed and red meat educational campaigns in an effort to raise awareness about illnesses that affect millions of Americans on a daily basis.

The 5 Best Frozen Pizzas Presented By Gratzfood

Despite what some people think, living at home isn’t the most glamorous lifestyle a 23 year old can live. Seriously, it’s not all tits and glitz. Did you know that 68.4% of all jerk off sessions are interrupted by a parent needing help with something (like switching the input on a fucking television set)? Or, did you know that 83% of all parent-son conversation is about the offspring’s lack of employment, lack of worth, or lack of realized potential? While these inherent detriments contribute to less than optimal living conditions (living in a disease infested shit hole with 19 other degenerates in the slums of New Brunswick was SO much better) there are some positives such as free (for you) food from a grocery store, tasty treats that you haven’t had in years because you were too busy stuffing your face with overpriced college town food from a place that either failed inspection or was a front for drug operations. This dark period in my life has re exposed me to some of life’s simplest pleasures, frozen pizza being one of them. Frozen pizza, while not having the freshest ingredients, or taste comparable to real pizza, has a certain charm to it that makes it acceptable and even desirable at certain points in one’s life. Nostalgia alone can make one yearn for a frozen brick that turns into edible goodness ofter only 12 minutes of sitting in a 425 degree oven. Without further adieu here are the 5 best frozen pizzas.

1.Tombstone

The holy mecca of frozen pizza. The real man’s choice for true processed bliss. This is the frozen pizza eaters go to when “balling out”. First, it’s the actual shape of a real pizza which is great for when you’re trying to hide the fact that you’re too poor or too lazy to go out and get real pizza. What makes Tombstone so dope? Well first, it doesn’t pretend to be some gourmet, fancy schmancy pizza that is comparable to delivery… it’s named after something you fucking see at cemeteries filled with dead bodies, totally badass. Second, it just tastes really good. Did you know that the sauce for these bad boys was the same sauce given to you for Lunchables pizza? That’s quality right there. The real amazing part about Tombstone is eating one as a kid for the first time, that magical realization that you can get great tasting pizza that even looks real whenever you want right from the comfort of your own home. The other plus for Tombstone was its sheer size compared to other frozen pizzas. Tombstones size, taste, and badassness make it an easy choice for the top overall spot.

2. Ellios

1 brick. 3 slices. Boom. Classic. This was the ultimate after school snack when you were alone just kicking it. Whether you were playing Starfox 64 or watching Hey Arnold!, this was the treat you needed after a long, grueling day of elementary school. If you were able to get the edges nice and crispy you were a made fucking man. Real recognize real and any real gangsta will tell you just how delicious a well made Ellios pizza was or is.

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3. Lunchables

Wait, Gratz this list says frozen pizza and Lunchables aren’t technically frozen so what gives? Well, simply put this is my fucking list and I’ll do whatever the fuck I want, plus this is pretty much the same thing as frozen right? Anyways, where to begin with good old lunchables? Lunchables were truly ahead of their time. Before the era of Ipads and smart watches Lunchables pioneered the now ever so pervasive culture of always being on the go. Want pizza for lunch and don’t have a whip or money (because you’re in like 4th fucking grade) or even a working oven? No fear, lunchables have you covered, simply brilliant. Having access to handcrafted pizza whenever you need is a real game changer for American youth. The most remarkable part about Lunchables isn’t the taste, or the size (obviously) however, it’s their ability to effectively teach youngsters how to responsibly ration their resources. There’s three pieces of dough and only one pack of sauce and one serving of cheese, which serves as an extremely valuable lesson of appropriate allocation. I’m 100% confident that students who were able to appropriately save and spend their income learned the fundamentals from eating Lunchables pizza. Sometimes you’d go crazy and load all the sauce and cheese on one crust making for one orgasmic pizza which leaves the other crusts empty and useless, or you might go light on the first two and find yourself with a big time reward as you indulge on your hearty third piece. Whatever the case may be, Lunchables are iconic not only as a processed pizza option, but a educational tool for young children too.

4. Pizza Bagels

The quintessential bro food. Some may argue that pizza bagels should be higher on the list but as you can see the competition is fierce. Pizza Bagels were for when you went over your boys house after school and played Madden ’07 non stop, running around with Mike Vick, the glory days. What pizza bagels have that few others can offer is their high level of crunchiness. Plus I’m from Cherry Hill so anytime a mother saw a combination of pizza and bagel it was undoubtedly going in the shopping cart.

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5. Hot Pockets

Hot Pockets are the lowest common denominator of frozen pizza and I fucking love it. Microwaved eats in just 2 minutes that you can buy in a bulk for like 27 cents a piece. Hot pockets are no question tasty but their false advertising really grinds my gears. They shouldn’t be called “hot” pockets, they should be called FUCKING BLISTERING, UNEATABLE UNLESS YOU WAIT A CONSIDERABLE AMOUNT OF TIME BUT WAITING IS THE HARDEST PART pockets. Seriously if you’re not careful with these puppies they will go ’04 Usher and burn your ass. While Lunchables teach you proper allocation of resources, Hot Pockets teach you one of the hardest things a person can learn, patience. “Just because your pizza is done in 2 minutes doesn’t mean it’s ready to eat”.- Gratz 2015