Despite what some people think, living at home isn’t the most glamorous lifestyle a 23 year old can live. Seriously, it’s not all tits and glitz. Did you know that 68.4% of all jerk off sessions are interrupted by a parent needing help with something (like switching the input on a fucking television set)? Or, did you know that 83% of all parent-son conversation is about the offspring’s lack of employment, lack of worth, or lack of realized potential? While these inherent detriments contribute to less than optimal living conditions (living in a disease infested shit hole with 19 other degenerates in the slums of New Brunswick was SO much better) there are some positives such as free (for you) food from a grocery store, tasty treats that you haven’t had in years because you were too busy stuffing your face with overpriced college town food from a place that either failed inspection or was a front for drug operations. This dark period in my life has re exposed me to some of life’s simplest pleasures, frozen pizza being one of them. Frozen pizza, while not having the freshest ingredients, or taste comparable to real pizza, has a certain charm to it that makes it acceptable and even desirable at certain points in one’s life. Nostalgia alone can make one yearn for a frozen brick that turns into edible goodness ofter only 12 minutes of sitting in a 425 degree oven. Without further adieu here are the 5 best frozen pizzas.
The holy mecca of frozen pizza. The real man’s choice for true processed bliss. This is the frozen pizza eaters go to when “balling out”. First, it’s the actual shape of a real pizza which is great for when you’re trying to hide the fact that you’re too poor or too lazy to go out and get real pizza. What makes Tombstone so dope? Well first, it doesn’t pretend to be some gourmet, fancy schmancy pizza that is comparable to delivery… it’s named after something you fucking see at cemeteries filled with dead bodies, totally badass. Second, it just tastes really good. Did you know that the sauce for these bad boys was the same sauce given to you for Lunchables pizza? That’s quality right there. The real amazing part about Tombstone is eating one as a kid for the first time, that magical realization that you can get great tasting pizza that even looks real whenever you want right from the comfort of your own home. The other plus for Tombstone was its sheer size compared to other frozen pizzas. Tombstones size, taste, and badassness make it an easy choice for the top overall spot.
1 brick. 3 slices. Boom. Classic. This was the ultimate after school snack when you were alone just kicking it. Whether you were playing Starfox 64 or watching Hey Arnold!, this was the treat you needed after a long, grueling day of elementary school. If you were able to get the edges nice and crispy you were a made fucking man. Real recognize real and any real gangsta will tell you just how delicious a well made Ellios pizza was or is.
Wait, Gratz this list says frozen pizza and Lunchables aren’t technically frozen so what gives? Well, simply put this is my fucking list and I’ll do whatever the fuck I want, plus this is pretty much the same thing as frozen right? Anyways, where to begin with good old lunchables? Lunchables were truly ahead of their time. Before the era of Ipads and smart watches Lunchables pioneered the now ever so pervasive culture of always being on the go. Want pizza for lunch and don’t have a whip or money (because you’re in like 4th fucking grade) or even a working oven? No fear, lunchables have you covered, simply brilliant. Having access to handcrafted pizza whenever you need is a real game changer for American youth. The most remarkable part about Lunchables isn’t the taste, or the size (obviously) however, it’s their ability to effectively teach youngsters how to responsibly ration their resources. There’s three pieces of dough and only one pack of sauce and one serving of cheese, which serves as an extremely valuable lesson of appropriate allocation. I’m 100% confident that students who were able to appropriately save and spend their income learned the fundamentals from eating Lunchables pizza. Sometimes you’d go crazy and load all the sauce and cheese on one crust making for one orgasmic pizza which leaves the other crusts empty and useless, or you might go light on the first two and find yourself with a big time reward as you indulge on your hearty third piece. Whatever the case may be, Lunchables are iconic not only as a processed pizza option, but a educational tool for young children too.
4. Pizza Bagels
The quintessential bro food. Some may argue that pizza bagels should be higher on the list but as you can see the competition is fierce. Pizza Bagels were for when you went over your boys house after school and played Madden ’07 non stop, running around with Mike Vick, the glory days. What pizza bagels have that few others can offer is their high level of crunchiness. Plus I’m from Cherry Hill so anytime a mother saw a combination of pizza and bagel it was undoubtedly going in the shopping cart.
5. Hot Pockets
Hot Pockets are the lowest common denominator of frozen pizza and I fucking love it. Microwaved eats in just 2 minutes that you can buy in a bulk for like 27 cents a piece. Hot pockets are no question tasty but their false advertising really grinds my gears. They shouldn’t be called “hot” pockets, they should be called FUCKING BLISTERING, UNEATABLE UNLESS YOU WAIT A CONSIDERABLE AMOUNT OF TIME BUT WAITING IS THE HARDEST PART pockets. Seriously if you’re not careful with these puppies they will go ’04 Usher and burn your ass. While Lunchables teach you proper allocation of resources, Hot Pockets teach you one of the hardest things a person can learn, patience. “Just because your pizza is done in 2 minutes doesn’t mean it’s ready to eat”.- Gratz 2015