Phillies Show No Regard For Human Life, Introduce the Triple Triple Burger

If watching the Phillies play this season doesn’t give you heartburn, the new triple triple burger will. Featured among this years lineup of new ballpark eats, this behemoth is a burger with 9 patties (yeah…) and 9 slices of cheese (yeah…).

“According to an article on, a similar 9-patty burger from Wayback Burgers that was unveiled in Oregon a couple of years ago contained a whopping 5100 calories and a tasty 117 grams of saturated fat, which “is close to six buckets of KFC fried chicken.””

Holy fucking balls. I’m all for gluttony and everything but this is more excessive than Kylie Jenner’s plastic surgery. I mean I kinda get it I guess. The Phillies are going to be so fucking painful to watch for three hours that you can order one of these and eat it all night and see if you can finish it before the games over…I’m pretty sure thats the logic behind this thing. As a normal person, I’d rather spend my time at Phillies games waiting in line for crab fries but hey, to each their own. It also just dawned on me that there should be security guards by all stairs and escalators that monitor people trying to bring these bad boys upstairs and prohibit them from doing so because if anyone attempts walking up or down stairs after eating this thing their heart is going to burst like a fucking gusher and cause them to die on the spot. Another possibility I can see is the jews sneaking in their own buns and then just ordering one of these and taking all the patties off and sharing it among 9 people to save some money, but only the really bad jews because real jews can’t even eat meat and cheese together anyway. Whatever the case may be for someone ordering this piece of savagery, all I can say is may God help your disturbed life and good luck. Oh and yeah I’m definitely one of those people, can’t wait to try to eat this then pull the trigger on a helpless Mets fan.


You can check out the original article out right here

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